Will Ferrell Quotes

1. My New Year's resolution is to get at least 13 hours of sleep a night, regardless of what sort of job or family or life commitments I have, but to really be consistent about that.



2. I'm going to climb over that anger wall of yours someday and it's going to be glorious.

3. I'm not really an exhibitionist. I'm drawn to the outrageous stuff because it's fun, not because it's some deep compulsion. I'm no tortured, anger-stoked, deeply neurotic comic. Just a pretty low-key normal guy. A, "Hey, the glass is half-full", kind of a guy. But please keep it quiet, or I may never work again.

4. People love me in my underwear. It's my public service. If I'm not in my underwear by page fifty on the script, I'm very unhappy.


5. Why did Autograph Magazine list me as one of the worst autograph signers? Oh, I don't know. It's probably because I punched some 8-year-old kid in the airport one time, and he wanted an autograph.

6. (on being a comic) I attribute it to growing up in safe, boring suburbia in California. I wasn't beaten up by anyone, there was a really low crime rate. There was really nothing to do except think of funny things.

7. I guess destiny is not the path given to us but the path we choose for ourselves.

8. You think your life is hard? Just think, there's a turtle out there that has been flipped on its back and can't get up. Fuck your problems.

9. You might not believe this, but I really don't believe in doing something if it's just for the sake of doing it.




10. Just wanna take this moment and thank my mom for not aborting me and my dad for buying cheap condoms. Love you guys.

11. It was a gradual rise that started on SNL. I went from being the guy who did the cheer-leading thing, to the guy who plays the president to: "Hey, that's Will Ferrell!" I saw that happen then in terms of films, and it was really "Old School" that got me a real lead part. It was a scary thing when I left SNL (in 2003), but then "Old School" came out, and then "Elf" happened the same year, and now "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby".

12. There was a period of time at "Saturday Night Live" when I wasn't in a relationship, so I got a taste of what (the single life) would be like. I didn't fare too well. It seemed like I was always being introduced to the really nice school-teachers from New Jersey; never models.

13. There's a benefit to losing, you get to learn from your mistakes.

14. I never put much pressure on myself when I'm the central thing, just because I don't think I could handle it mentally.


15. I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.


16. Then Satan said: "Let there be math."

17. What's the point of being bad when there's nothing good to stop you?

18. Studying is a combination of students and dying. Coincidence? I think not.





19. I think a lot of the instincts you have doing comedy are really the same for doing drama, in that it's essentially about listening. The way I approach comedy, is you have to commit to everything as if it's a dramatic role, meaning you play it straight.

20. Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.

21. If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me.

22. I'm pretty white. That's my thing, suburban, lame white person.

23. I'm not saying shes a slut, I'm just saying if her vagina had a password, it would be 1234.

24. All you have in comedy, in general, is just going with your instincts. You can only hope that other people think that what you think is funny is funny. I don't have an answer but I just try to plough straight ahead.

25. I saw a news story recently that said I'm 6' 4". I'm creeping up, like in the high school football programs where you give yourself 15 more pounds. In three years I want to be 6' 5" in stories. And I'm gonna do the opposite of these kids like LeBron James who are coming out of high school and going into the NBA. I'm gonna be the first 36-year-old white guy who tries to make it in the NBA.

26. "Saturday Night Live" is such a comedy boot camp in a way, because you get to work with so many different people who come in to host the show and you get thrown into so many situations and learn how to think on your feet, so filmmaking actually feels slow, in a good way.

27. In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have one? Then it's probably you.

28. The world doesn't need another parking lot. It needs a place where kid's minds can grow.

29. Saw Rihanna naked yesterday. I asked why aren't you wearing any clothes. She said naked bodypainting but we ran outa paint after my forehead.

30. I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she's of age, I'm putting her in a home.


31. A lot of people have gotten into comedy because of certain influences in their lives or events that were painful, and I really have wracked my brain to figure it out. I pretty much have had a normal childhood. Maybe it was too normal.

32. Every gay guys GPS system would tell him to Go straight. 

33. "dad and mom" doesn't sound right, just like "josh and drake" like it's just not right.


34. McDonalds should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong shit they gave you at the second window...

35. I often don't think a lot about the ramifications of anything I do.

36. Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.

37. There's just something about yelling that's funny to me.

38. Anything? Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And, uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think, well, maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling...what? What, I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?

39. Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which, of course, in German means a whale's vagina.

40. It doesn't really exist, this Frat Pack. We run into each other on occasions and we all like each other's films, I guess, but there isn't some big funny restaurant or bar where we all hang out. At least, if there is, they haven't invited me. I wasn't in "You, Me and Dupree", Luke Wilson's last movie, and none of them was in "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" with me and, actually, nobody gives a shit.

41. Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.




42. I rotate my clothes so everything is equally worn. Sometimes that means orange shorts and red shoes. My wife is like: "Really?"

43. Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship?


44. If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.


45. Dear fat girls in tight clothes, you look like a half opened can of biscuits. Please stop.

46. James Caan told me at the end of filming "Elf" that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.

47. This place reminds me of Santa's Workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they want to hurt me.


48. Get up, you crazy black man! I will make you drink my piss!


49. It's so damn hot…milk was a bad choice.

50. I'd much rather be in a comedy. In my view, comedy wins out in the long run. I'm not sure I'm a good enough actor to play real tragedy, so I bring a comic element to most things as my answer to the world's problems. I'm not a clown, though. I love goofing around, but I don't feel the need to act the clown in private - I do it at work, that's where I exorcise my demons. Although I confess that I do sometimes put together outfits to annoy my wife.

51. You're lying if you say you've never sat alone in your room and sang she will be loved at the top of your lungs.


52. Often times I'm confronted with a quote that I don't remember saying. So, on one hand it's very flattering, it is just so surreal.

53. My hamster died today. He fell asleep at the wheel.

54. What if every band had the word gays in them? Sleeping with gays, Green gays, Forever the gays, One direction, My gay romance...

55. I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then f**k you.




56. Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

57. Even though I've been married for eight years, I do separate my food in the refrigerator from my wife's. I put labels on it that say "This is Will's leftover chicken" or whatever. And if you touch it, yeah, I get livid.

58. I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time.

59. I always forced myself to do crazy things in public. In college I would push an overhead projector across campus with my pants just low enough to show my butt.

60. Took the restrictor plate off to give the Red Dragon a little more juice. But it's not exactly street legal, so keep it on the down low.

61. Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

62. Inappropriate behavior makes me laugh.

63. I do feel, at heart, that I'm a lazy person who found this thing that I love. Comedy makes me industrious. Without it, I'm just another guy.

64. I drive a Dodge Stratus!

65. (on George W. Bush) I had a couple of opportunities to go and meet him, and I declined, partly out of comedic purposes, because when I was on the show ("Saturday Night Live") at the time, it didn't make sense to really meet the people that you play, for fear of them influencing you. And then the other side of it is, from a political standpoint, I don't want to meet that guy.

66. (2006, on living with his mom for three years after college) I had no ego about that. It's kind of sad.



67. Gay marriage is illegal but knee high converse isn't.

68. I just took a test this morning. Yeah, at the free clinic for hepatitis. I kicked ass, too. I got an A, two B's and a C.

69. Mom, the meatloaf! F**k!

70. (On "Stranger Than Fiction") It was so freeing to not run around and act like a crazy person. It was so nice to be conversational and talk like a normal human being. I felt like my job on "Stranger Than Fiction" was to play really good defense. Don't throw the ball out of bounds. If you're open, take the shot but, otherwise, don't get too fancy.

71. Hardest thing ever? Controlling your laughter at serious times.





72. I will drive you out to the desert and leave you there for the entire month of August if you don't get off that shed!


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Zach Galifianakis Quotes

1. I'm taking an acting class online; it's easy.


2. I failed kindergarden because I couldn't spell my last name.

3. Hold on everyone, a tortoise just passed out.

4. Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes...with salad tongs.

5. No one cares about your riffs, your bits. You're so drunk...these are mannequins, Goddammit.

6. When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. I would write about it in my "dairy."







7. Whenever my Asian roommate walks in the door, I play this. (plays a very stereotypical chinese tune) And she says: "Zach, why do you do that every time I come in the room?" and I say: "Because I don't have a gong."

8. Well I just wish I was in a really cool show like "King of Queens." Really artistic and avant-garde like "King of Queens."





9. I like to read the Bible in really public places, like on the subway... and just mutter things to myself like "Oh, bullshit!"

10. My name is Zach Galifianakis, and growing up my Dad had a saying for our last name: "it begins with a "Gal" and ends in a "Kiss". I'd be like that's great dad but can we get it changed to "GalifianaFUCK please?".

11. Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.






12. Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

13. I'll tell you something that a girl does not like for you to whisper in her ear, and that is "I'm going to perform Jihad on your vagina".

14. Hookers don't like to snuggle.




15. I would just like to request something; it's this bit you used to do called "The Ending."

16. My dream was always to be in "Blade 3."

17. So when you go and snatch that gravy up from the customers, you'll be prepared.




18. I tried to put some ecstasy in some Diet Snapple.

19. One time, I stuck an altoid in my butthole. (pause) That's it.

20. My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

21. Am I the only one tired of this Ben Franklin motherfucker? Electricity? What the fuck is he talking about?

22. I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.


23. I knew from day one, when the VH1 guys came in and said: "Don't make fun of Cher, don't make fun of Sheryl Crow." Whatever their rotation was at the time. I was like: "Well, this isn't a good marriage."

24. Seriously! , this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker...36.63

25. I like to go into really hip record stores and ask for CDs of bands that have never existed. "Uh, ya, do you have the new Boogerstash?"


26. Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

27. Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear: "Touch my vagina," and she's like: "What!" and I'm like: "That's what you're supposed to say."







28. When I first got to L.A., I had a pretty good setup. I convinced a mechanic to let me live in an Audi that was waiting to get fixed. I'd drive it around for a while, then it would break down and have to be fixed again, which meant I got to keep it for a little while longer. It was kind of an everybody-wins situation, except for the poor lady who was waiting for her Audi.

29. I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.






30. How come girls can say: "I'm going to go to brunch with my girlfriend", and no one assumes anything, but when I say: "My boyfriend and I are going shopping for fanny packs", everyone thinks I'm a gay? - that's right, A gay.

31. I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.






32. Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

33. My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

34. If I were 26 and this was happening, it would be all great, and I would probably buy like 17 Dodge Vipers. But right now it's just a major inconvenience.


35. If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love them. They're exactly... well, they're not exactly alike, but they're a little bit alike.

36. Wherever there's something that people don't feel comfortable talking about, that's where the good jokes are...A bad comic follows his audience, catering to whatever they want; a good comic will always lead.

37. You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.


38. My New Year's resolution was to stop saying "you go girl" to myself.

39. I was talking to my mom the other day, and she called me a weirdo. It was the first time I'd ever heard her say that, and I told her that I thought she was weird. So we got that out of the way. I think that I could be in porno, but as long as I was flying my parents around, they wouldn't really care.

40. For 8 years now I've been addicted to cold turkey. When I tell people I'm quitting cold turkey, they say:"What are you quitting?", I'm fucking quitting cold turkey.

41. You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

42. Three years ago my sister was diagnosed with multiple personality syndrome...and there's nothing funny about that. but the other day she phoned me, and my caller I.D. exploded.

43. I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called: "Dude, Where's My Spaceship."

44. I wonder if deaf people have a sign for "talk to the hand."


45. You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

46. I love to do shows in unlikely places, because the audience's expectations are less fixed.

47. My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.


48. I really want to leave New York City, but I just put 6,000 dollars on my Metrocard.

49. I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

50. I'm greek and I have sinus problems and I know why. My body produces feta cheese. It's not really a joke. It's just a fact...allow me to open up.

51. My brother was torturous, I guess, but in a funny way. He used to say to me: "I'm giving you a gag order," then stuff his dirty underpants into my mouth. He used to drag me stark naked across the lawn, then hold me up by my ankles for the passing cars to see.

52. I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

53. My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.


54. Have you ever been so drunk you wet the bed? Not even sleeping, just standing over, pissing on it?

55. I never really did the club stuff; I'm really kind of a wimp that way. I just stay mostly in Los Angeles and perform in front of people wearing ironic T-shirts. That or a few goth chicks.

56. I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night. So I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out: "Who's the boss now?"



57. Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like: "WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!"

58. Sometimes, I like to glue my spare change to my face. Then, when a homeless person comes up to me and asks "Do you have any spare change?" I get to say "Sorry, it's glued to my face."

59. I told my neighbor I was going to be on the Conan O'Brien Show, and he was like: "Yeah, right." I said: "No, I am." He goes: "So do something only you and I would understand." *looks into camera and stops playing piano* I know you stole my rake.

60. When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E. Cheese.





61. You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick-drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say: "Have you seen this, is this any good?"

62. I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

63. You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name... and you've never been to that bar before.

64. I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

65. I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

66. I look like a fat Jesus, Not Phat Jesus.





67. It was in the back of a hamburger joint in Times Square. I did a joke about not wanting to sleep on a girl's futon because it rhymed with crouton. I do not recall anyone laughing.

68. The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."




69. I have horrible luck with women...and it's all my fault.

70. My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

71. I like to go to really bad movies, during their sixth week, and there's only one other person in the theatre, and I like to sit right next to them. And they're like: "excuse me?", and I'm like: "Shhh, I can't hear Keanu."

72. A girl I was dating once told me on the phone: "Can you hold? There's a telemarketer on the other line."

73. I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

74. Have you seen that show on CBS called "The Amazing Race"? Is that show about white people?

75. I am not really into porn. I have always wanted to go to a table read for a porn though. If I were to pick a genre it would have to be kitty porn often confused with you-know-what.

76. I'm classically trained... just not in piano.

77. I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

78. I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

79. At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

80. I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

81. I'm working on a screenplay. It's called "Schindler's List 2: Let's Get this Party Started".





82. I feel that living your life in contradiction keeps one confused and happy... It makes me laugh when people miscommunicate. I like walking over bridges and hate Donald Trump or anything like him. The entertainment business is both poison and honey.

83. I think those neighborhood signs that say "slow children playing" are mean.







84. Katie Holmes called my beard for advice.

85. Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said: "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

86. Now, I'm not an impressionist, but I do have this character voice I've been working on I call "The Guy Who's *WAY* Too Into the "Garfield" Movie". (clears throat, begins to speak effeminately) Oh, my GOD! Have you seen the GARFIELD movie? It's HI-LARIOUS! He wears SUNGLASSES! And then there's this part where he eats all this LASAGNA! Of course, Odie's up to HIS old tricks! (normal voice) Like I said, just something I'm working on.

87. I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.



88. I was at an Arby's today and I thought to myself: "Oh shit, I should be taking someone's order!"

89. I wanna open up a cross-dresser store, and call it "Susan B. Anthony".



90. I wanna open up a maternity shop and call it "We're fucked".


91. This year my New Year's resolution was to stop saying: "Seacrest out!" after I ejaculate.

92. Reality shows are big now, Survivor , Temptation Island, The Mole. I want to make a show with three racist white people that live in the South Bronx. It will be called ...Cracker Hunt.

93. With a name like Smuckers, it has to be God.






94. This country is fucking dumb, why are people takin' this… people with this Bush administration all this shit going on, there should be a revolution happening… I would lead it but I just bought a hammock.

95. The president's dog's name is Mizz Beasley. I can't believe the president's dog and my penis have the same name.

96. I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

97. I call my balls the bush twins.


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