Roseanne Barr Quotes

1. Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.


2. As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

3. Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

4. A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.

5. To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.


6. The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.


7. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

8. I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people….that's why I don't like any of them.

9. Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

10. My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

11. The most out-there thing I'm saying is: "Don't have babies. Don't get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that".

12. Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

13. Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature...


14. Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

15. This producer was a woman, a type I became acquainted with at the beginning of my stand-up career in Denver. I cared little for them: blondes in high heels who were so anxious to reach the professional level of the men they worshipped, fawned over, served, built up, and flattered that they would stab other women in the back. They are the ultimate weapon used by men against actual feminists who try to work in media, and they are never friends to other women, you can trust me on that.

16. There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

17. I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.

18. The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

19. My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.

20. I was completely nuts for most of my life.


21. In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say: "Sorry, we're open".

22. Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.

23. I call myself a "domestic goddess".

24. Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

25. They're all mine...Of course, I'd trade any one of them for a dishwasher.

26. Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

27. ACORN is organizing to make sure the job of rebuilding New Orleans is done by the people of New Orleans and truly benefits the communities who have been hurt the most.

28. I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.



29. Let's take back the real estate between our ears and get green like a son of a bitch.

30. I know how to do anything, I'm a mom.

31. Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered: "Hey, why not you Roseanne?" Indeed, why not each of us?

32. It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

33. Excuse the mess but we live here.

34. In the new world every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children, animal and humans with the stolen money we have recovered.

35. My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

36. I simply care nothing for any of your religions, as all three are fundamentally flawed, unlike the Church of Common Sense, right from the start! They call God he instead of she and all three would like to burn me at the stake for saying that!

37. I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.



38. Abortion is a woman's right.

39. "Winning" in Hollywood means not just power, money, and complimentary smoked-salmon pizza, but also that everyone around you fails just as you are peaking.

40. There's nothing like a hardship song to set my toes a-tappin.



41. The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.


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